NOTES TO MYSELF: DO YOU LOVE ME?

‘’But sir,I am in love with him.Should I ask him too?’’This was a freewheeling consulting session in 2022 on a balmy Bombay evening ,on its windswept roads with a young lady on call.Sensible ,intelligent ,pursuing Management.He ,a charismatic senior ,a couple of years older.

Oddly ,I remembered that conversation today ,late evening ,on 23^rd of April 2026.Context is personal ,so detailing is out of bounds,sorry folks.

But to the business end.In 2022 ,as I recall –I asked her-tell me ,are you in love?She retorted ‘’oh yes,I very much am’’.So I had her on my familiar turf of conceptualizations- I asked-‘’ok,what is love?’’For 15 minutes I got all sorts of adjectives –from care to desire to …..But then ,is that love?In fact her ‘’love’’(?) itself needs a qualifier- romantic love(ishq wala love)-that is first of the numerous shortcomings of love as we practice it.A father loves his daughter.You love that song.I love travel.

Par nahin na re baba- ye wala nahi?-toh phir?- are vo ishq wala love!

As a young guy in his late 20s I heard Haddaway sing ‘’What Is Love’’ ( 1993). The song became a global Eurodance anthem, a sad banger.Super anthem it was ,but the key note haunts me till date-unrequited search for a definition and a plea ‘’baby don’t hurt me’’.This ,and the other one "Where Does Love Go (When It's Gone)"- a country song sung by Janie Fricke, released in 1988 on her album Saddle the Wind - completed my futile search for its meaning.I tried in vain to put it in writing ,hitting other unintended notes of wisdom.Six blogs thereupon ,I wrote(Those willing to suffer ,please see at the end of this essay).

This essay is not about defining love.Its about what it involves.When you ask me(romantically contextualised)-‘’do you love me?’’- you have got me-and yourself- in a BINARY-a yes or no bind.Hai-ya nahi hai?

We have castrated love so that it makes sense.If I say yes,what does it entail PRIMARILY?Love as we practice it ,involves latent territoriality.Not just possessiveness.Territoriality.The theme is ‘’I OWN HIM/HER’’.

Ownership.

That undid marriages.

And it undoes love.

If at all,love has to be about BELONGING.Not ownership.We seek ownership only when we are desperately insecure and hurt-searching for validation and affirmation.

The lady of 2022 ,if I were to meet her today,I will answer like this- your question is incorrect.Because love is a VERB ,not an ADJECTIVE.(Badi theory hai-research it –Nobel is around).

The correct question is :

‘’WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME?’’.

Do you love me is a close ended question.This is an open ended ,essay type question.This is what defines –or should define relationships.I feel passion .I feel desire.I feel identification.I feel bonding.I feel camaraderie.I feel enabling……and on and on and on…….add with free abandon.

Is that love?.Wrong question.

Because love is an abstraction- a driver.It is any positive sentiment you feel towards any THING or PERSON.That is why the question is incorrect- ask not whether he loves you-because his ADJECTIVES to encapsulate that VERB will be different than yours.tabhi it happens after a few years-‘’aap toh aise na thhe’’.’’Arre hum vaise hi thhe.Aapne dekha hi nahi.’’

But if you say passion-it’s a specific .Camaradiere- very specific.Companionship-very very specific.So on and so forth.

So don’t ‘’I LOVE YOU’’.Do ‘’ I FEEL (this)’’.

Its a lifetime of understanding.

Love will not go-because it was never there .

What was/is there was/is a specific feeling .

Define it.

What is so magical about those three words? –I LOVE YOU-nothing.Its just an angelic leg pull- God having a good laugh at human attempts to bind the unbindable.Because that abstraction is way too huge to be captured in three words.

‘Noor ki boond hai vo sadiyon se baha karti hai.Sirf ehsaas hai vo ,rooh se mehsoos karo.’Pyar ko pyar hi rehne do koi naam na do.’’

P.S.For those who desire to suffer further: here are the links-

TRUE LOVE

https://loneranger64.blogspot.com/2020/06/true-love.html

ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE

https://loneranger64.blogspot.com/2025/08/on-love-and-marriage.html

WHY MARRIAGES DON’T WORK.WON’T WORK

https://loneranger64.blogspot.com/2018/11/why-marriages-dont-workwont-work.html

AN URBAN TRAGEDY:

https://loneranger64.blogspot.com/2014/05/little-talks-about-life-4an-urban.html

RELATIONSHIPS:

https://loneranger64.blogspot.com/2023/10/relationships.html