WHY THIS KOLAVERI DI? ANATOMY OF A DYSFUNCTION

1.The overtly dramatic title is just to have your attention.Now that I have it,let me try and justify it.A virtually universal phenomena sweeps us in our working and private lives today.That of a ‘’perceived unreasonable and disproportionate behaviour’’/reaction from the significant others in our lives.Colleagues,supervisors,friends,spouse,children……et al.We are by and large unhappy people,dissatisfied with lives and things.Happiness index places Indians at a unmentionably lower place.Even Pakistan is ahead of us!(India at 140,Pakistan at 67.Finland at 1^{st:  2019 World Happiness Index}).Interactional conflicts are a major issue in this-from the street corner grocer to the inhuman boss ,all are ill mannered and unreasonable.And so am I.’’sorry,I didn’t mean it’’must be the most (ab)used sentence in English language.So would’’Please don’t mind’’.We mean all of it..and internally we care two hoots if the bugger minded.But we say it anyway….diplomatic ties may not be broken and all that.

2.As I sat analysing this phenomena I find that most of us are saddled with the following unadmitted traits:

TOP OF THE BOARD:1. (Suppressed) rage and anger

2.Dejection and disappointment

3.Depression and withdrawal

4.Helplessness and hopelessness

5.Hurt and denial

Tick your boxes.

3.And we go on with assumed overt pseudo cheerfulness,living in denial(this one we have mastered,esp the women-sorry ladies!),glossing over , hiding, and nurturing, our hurts and lying to ourselves.NO wonder we love sad songs so much!And quotes like ‘’our sweetest songs are those that tell us of our saddest thoughts’’.

Who has not had a secret tear in his/her eye listening to Roberta Flack singing’’KILLING ME SOFTLY WITH HIS SONG’’?(Olivia Ong version though is  my favorite).Angst sells like nothing else in this world.We buy it -all the time.Afterall,its free .

 4.But life is a statement of affirmation.It is a statement of hope.It is a statement of creation.SO when you are in such a state and use the two most anti life instruments of behaviour in tackling the world:HYPOCRICY and MANIPULATION-life takes its toll.Nature is the special purpose vehicle of life.The keyboard of life has no ‘’esc’’ button nor can’’ctrl+alt+del’’lead you to a task manager to’’end task’’.LIFE grows-its an organic affirmation of creation.

5.So whenever we take a false step,life gives us a reality check and gives us ,lets say 10 grams of depression or maybe 5 oz.of self directed anger.This accumulates.Hypocricy is nothing but a pseudo reaction high on its perceived acceptability  triggered by fear of consequences of speaking the truth or wish to elicit a wanted emotion.Manipulation is on same continuum…triggering a desired reaction by creating a situational /verbal set up where the manipulated is compelled to react in manner X.

BUT-Life takes its toll again.

Have you ever wondered that we are rarely punished FOR our anger?We are punished BY our anger.The emotion is the punishment.Its life speaking again.

6.If ,for a day we decide to rewind a typical life day in our lives we will see that the number of times WE SUPPRESS OUR REACTIONS-at times ,so called life’’coaches’’tell us,its necessary-but do we sublimate it?-hell,no.We keep it inside us.The boss situation is all too common-you hear him firing you from late coming to office,to failures to meet deadlines,targets etc etc etc.Most of us,inspite of self help manuals and oh so wise life coaches,counsellors and shrinks ,cannot cope with it in the sense of harmonized acceptability….harmonized with your thought and emotion…it builds up rage…and anger…but because we cannot take it out to the real recipient we …suppress it….but then this is not nature’s way….so it comes out again….in form of a disproportionate reaction to a totally unconnected situation/interaction before a bewildered colleague,a hapless subordinate,an astonished spouse,……Personal life provides further examples.A taunt on your salary,deficiencies in social interaction,inability to be a good parent…..

7.I am not entering into the other realms outlined,like depression etc because those are internalized reactions to a situation deemed to cause irrepairable hurt or unmendable emotional damage….if you have understood the rage part the rest of the analysis is easy.

8.What then is the conclusion?We love conclusions.We want closure all the time.its ok in a way.Any truth is better than indefinite doubt.Should we wear our hearts on our sleeves?Blast the boss back?etc.Or cry on the first available shoulder?Nothing of the sort.The whole purpose of this essay is to ask all of you TO UNDERSTAND.To understand that suppressed rage is a common outcome of all pressure interactions…and of some personal ones too.Understand your own reaction.Empathise with the reaction coming to you  or,if you are too angry to do that,become aware of where the reaction’s disproportinateness could be coming from.We are all mostly hurt.We are anxious.We are angry.

9.The first step to eliminate all this negativity is to understand that you have all this.Then,even if you are not able to eliminate all this,at least you will have taken a huge step towards that.It is said that to understand is to pardon.Let us forgive-not others-let us first forgive ourselves.Then would come the emotional and cognitive rebuilding part.That is mostly person specific.But I would be happy to share my thoughts on it-derived from life,unburdened by tomes of psychology and so called cognitive therapies ,motivation theories,self help books and the like…mind you they are useful.I would recommend just one:GAMES PEOPLE PLAY by ERIC BERNE.

10. But ,given a fair bit of education,intelligence ,experience and a bit of horse sense…no better place to learn than from a university called life.

Perspective

I hear a lot of why me's and complaints about this global pandemic sweeping the world.

Imagine if you were born in the year 1900. On your 14th birthday, World War I starts, and ends on your 18th birthday. 22 million people perish in that war. Later in the year, a Spanish Flu epidemic hits the planet and runs until your 20th birthday. 50 million people die from it in those two years. On your 29th birthday, the Great Depression begins. Unemployment hits 25%, the World GDP drops 27%. That runs until you are 33. The country nearly collapses along with the world economy. When you turn 39, World War II starts. On your 41st birthday, the United States is fully pulled into WWII. Between your 39th and 45th birthday, 75 million people perish in the war. At 50, the Korean War starts. 5 million perish. At 55 the Vietnam War begins and doesn’t end for 20 years. 4 million people perish in that conflict. On your 62nd birthday you have the Cuban Missile Crisis, a tipping point in the Cold War. When you turn 75, the Vietnam War finally ends.There are many who survived through everything listed above.

And what happened in between?

Donald Bradman happened to cricket .India became independent.They win 8 gold medals consecutively in Olympic hockey,one in Berlin before Adolf Hitler.Talking movies are born.So is television.Airplanes happen.So does Charlie Chaplin.Medical inventions change life forever.Beatles rock the planet.Man goes to moon.And on and on and on.Life rocked and thrived inspite of tragedies.

Life is what happens in between your plans.And perspective is what it teaches us.
Tragedies are in the gene code of the world.
Have perspective.

:Modified from Anonymous

OF COACHES AND TRAINERS

I notice with a great deal of alarm and amusement two terms hugely in vogue today-coach and trainer...Life coach, motivation trainer etc...and the scary “workshops” they first attend and then hurl them on a unsuspecting target ,index finger pointed with “thou shalt not...”admonishments.

Why, there are even set ups AWARDING certificates to that effect!First the validity of such certifications and their qualifications in making such AWARDS is a huge issue.SELF CERTIFICATION is again an eyebrow raiser.

I speak on life issues too ..Been doing it for past 20 to 25 years...and whenever I feel extra smart ,life provides me with a perfect ‘’foot on the banana skin moment’’...humbled I proceed.

So, I'd rather describe myself as a SPEAKER or a Counsellor -at -large.Its not merely semantics mind you.It has to do with the attitude which is inculcated.I’d rather that it was motivational speaker or a life educator.What is the difference? Remember 3 idiots?.The film.Where the character played by Aamir Khan tells the Principal how to teach-the 30 second race to define PRERAJUALISATION and FARHANITRATE?What is said there?:चाबुक के डर से तो शेर भी उछल कर स्टूल पर बैठना सीख जाता है.पर उसे well trained कहते हैं,well educated नही.My concern is that what is being taught by these undoubtedly well intentioned “trainers “and “coaches” is a set of defense and coping mechanisms.A set of reactions to a set of situations.BUT HOWSOEVER COMPREHENSIVE AND MULTIFARIOUS these “LIFE FORMULAE” are ,they shall be all adviced to remember that life is not a set of quadratic equations nor is it a ladder going straight up.

Life is a organic statement of universe. LIFE GROWS-LIKE A TREE.The way it will grow,the circumstances and weather it will encounter,no botanist dare predict that.Nor should he be able to.The beauty of life, in part, lies in the undefined and unpredictable, unfathomables it shall encounter en route.Hence each one of us is UNIQUE AND SPECIAL in his or her own way.That is what makes life liveable.Tell me the life grammar which can define love?Tell me the infallible coping mechanisms for loneliness?Tell me why is it that ‘falling in love' is more a matter of geography than chemistry? I can add a million Q’s.And 20 “life coaches” will give me 21 answers.

HOW WOULD I ANSWER?Well please note a wicked smile on my face.I can...But some other place ,some other time.

So what is the epilogue for all this gyan that I am giving?

In my innumerable sessions with trainee(ha ha ha) officers I keep on saying that even if TRAINING is to be imparted....As contrasted to EDUCATING -it should almost fully be DESCRIPTIVE instead of PRESCRIPTIVE.My favorite concept of educating arises from title of a book written by Stephen Hawking years and years ago about the origin of universe;’’THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING''.

This then is the task for the educators (and trainers and coaches!):teach them  the theory of things...Empirical as well as a priori...Draw on actual incidents from life.AND in the end tell them:I can’t live your life nor your dreams.GO AND DISCOVER YOUR OWN TRUTH.THE TOOLS I HAVE PROVIDED TOO ARE NOT EXHAUSTIVE.BUT THEY WILL GIVE YOU AN INITIAL ANCHOR,a basic reference point.Add to them,subtract from them.LEARN AND NEVER STOP LEARNING.

BECAUSE IN LIFE,JOURNEY IS THE DESTINATION.

Respect and Remember

Interacting with a comrade I got reminded of an old poem of my childhood days.And a  dialogue from Bachchan sir's Baghbaan"log aksar mohabbat karte hain.Lekin jitni baar usko kehna chahiye ,kehte nahi"
Ditto with all valuable relationships we have.If you value someone's concern,love,friendship...Show it..You are lucky ..Because there are many who don't have any.Here is the poem.

AROUND THE CORNER
Charles Hanson Towne

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end;

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone,

And I see my old friend's face,
For life is a swift and terrible race.

He knows I like him just as well
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine.

We were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men;
Tired with playing a foolish game,
Tired with trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow," I say, "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."

But tomorrow comes–and tomorrow goes,
And the distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner!–yet miles away…
"Here's a telegram sir, Jim died today."

And that's what we get, and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

WORK CULTURE TODAY

WHAT AILS OUR WORK CULTURE TODAY?

We claim we are constantly moving.But we are not reaching anywhere.The bureaucracy is the villain in chief.The private sector,not far behind.What ails our services we render to our organizations?The delivery mechanism,we say is constantly working..But we are being micromanaged which kills initiative.Target management is all we do.
Bureaucracy admittedly takes the cake here.
Still we all say we are doing our jobs.
We are doing our jobs.
Do you know the difference between DOING YOUR JOB and DOING YOUR DUTY?
Your job IS DOING WHAT IS REQUIRED.
Your duty IS DOING WHAT IS RIGHT.
Don't let the naysayers get to you by saying that this is anti discipline and may work counter to organizational objectives.It won't .This is not a prescription to anarchy.I will illustrate.On 21st august 1989 I entered the hallowed precincts of National Academy Of Direct Taxes at Nagpur as a young 24 year old entering the mighty IRS.I was told that officers are required to SIGN a oath and take it as a pledge .That was to be our beacon for the rest of our careers.
You know what it was?
It was an OATH OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE COUNTRY and to the CONSTITUTION OF INDIA.Yes.
I never forgot that.That was MY DUTY.Paid the price for remembering it.But I managed.
So,till we stop doing our jobs and start doing our duty ....Better still...Let your duty become your job.

Respecting yourself

I read somewhere something about love and self respect.We often humiliate ourselves in relationships specially in trying to prepare ourselves for the so called"right time" or "right moment" to say that’s it.
Save yourself because it isn't coming.There is no perfect time to decide to start respecting yourself.This is my view.
Now here is what I read:
"If love becomes too painful, then it’s time to let that love go and save yourself. You have to keep this in mind because you’ll be able to find another love but not another self."
"When a door closes, knock on it a few times. But if it still doesn’t open, let it stay closed. In career, in love, in LIFE – when you see the period at the end of the sentence, don’t try and turn it into a comma. Know when something is over and move on."
Combine my thought with this.Many of you may yet save yourselves...Before saving yourself becomes irrelevant.

DEFINED

A thought to think over:
Do not expect your life to be a never ending pool party....It won't be.We Indians are masters at self deception and procrastination is our weapon of choice.
It does not hurt to occasionally confront oneself and take a good hard look at the mirror without blinking.
Don't say you have time or that when your time comes then...Your time will never come.The secret is to become wise before you get old.
My father often asked me about background of my friends.It angered me a lot because I thought what my friend's father does is not why I should be his friend.I was wrong.It was part of contour of my choice.Choosing to be his friend was my choice.And
WE ARE DEFINED BY OUR CHOICES.
SO friends.Control your destiny.We always have options.Always.
LET YOUR CHARACTER DRIVE YOUR STORY.