Tuesday, 12 May 2020

ANATOMY OF HAPPINESS



I.               A HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE:
1.The World Happiness Report is an annual publication of the United Nations Sustainable Development Solutions Network. It contains articles, and rankings of national happiness based on respondent ratings of their own lives, which the report also correlates with various life factors. As of March 2020, Finland was ranked the happiest country in the world three times in a row.
2.In July 2011, the UN General Assembly adopted resolution 65/309 Happiness: Towards a Holistic Definition of Development inviting member countries to measure the happiness of their people and to use the data to help guide public policy. On April 2, 2012, this was followed by the first UN High Level Meeting called Wellbeing and Happiness: Defining a New Economic Paradigm, which was chaired by UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon and Prime Minister Jigme Thinley of Bhutan, a nation that adopted gross national happiness instead of gross domestic product as their main development indicator.
3.The first World Happiness Report was released on April 1, 2012 as a foundational text for the UN High Level Meeting: Well-being and Happiness: Defining a New Economic Paradigm, drawing international attention.The report outlined the state of world happiness, causes of happiness and misery, and policy implications highlighted by case studies. In 2013, the second World Happiness Report was issued, and since then has been issued on an annual basis with the exception of 2014. The report primarily uses data from the Gallup World Poll. Each annual report is available to the public to download on the World Happiness Report website.
4.The rankings of national happiness are based on a Cantril ladder survey. Nationally representative samples of respondents are asked to think of a ladder, with the best possible life for them being a 10, and the worst possible life being a 0. They are then asked to rate their own current lives on that 0 to 10 scale.The report correlates the results with various life factors.
5.In the reports, experts in fields including economicspsychologysurvey analysis, and national statistics, describe how measurements of well-being can be used effectively to assess the progress of nations, and other topics. Each report is organized by chapters that delve deeper into issues relating to happiness, including mental illness, the objective benefits of happiness, the importance of ethics, policy implications, and links with the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development's (OECD) approach to measuring subjective well-being and other international and national efforts.

II.GROSS NATIONAL HAPPINESS
6.Gross National Happiness (also known by the acronym: GNH) is a philosophy that guides the government of Bhutan. It includes an index which is used to measure the collective happiness and well-being of a population. Gross National Happiness is instituted as the goal of the government of Bhutan in the Constitution of Bhutan, enacted on 18 July 2008.
7.The term "Gross National Happiness" was coined in 1979 during an interview by a British journalist for the Financial Times at Bombay airport when the then king of BhutanJigme Singye Wangchuck, said "Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross National Product", expressing a concept that had been developed during the 1970s.
the four pillars of GNH are
1) sustainable and equitable socio-economic development;
3) preservation and promotion of culture; and
4) good governance.
8. The nine domains of GNH are psychological well-being, health, time use, education, cultural diversity and resilience, good governance, community vitality, ecological diversity and resilience, and living standards

III.Theories
A.Maslow's hierarchy of needs;Peak experience
Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a pyramid depicting the levels of human needs, psychological, and physical. When a human being ascends the steps of the pyramid, he reaches self-actualization. Beyond the routine of needs fulfillment, Maslow envisioned moments of extraordinary experience, known as peak experiences, profound moments of love, understanding, happiness, or rapture, during which a person feels more whole, alive, self-sufficient, and yet a part of the world. [This is similar to the flow concept of Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. ]

B.Flow theory;’’In the zone’’
1.In positive psychology, a flow state, also known colloquially as being in the zone, is the mental state in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by the complete absorption in what one does, and a resulting transformation in one's sense of time.
2.Named by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi [HUNGARIAN.PRONOUNCE:MIHAI CHEEKSANSMIHAYEE]in 1975, the concept has been widely referred to across a variety of fields (and is particularly well recognized in occupational therapy), though the concept has been claimed to have existed for thousands of years under other names, notably in some Eastern thought systems, for example, Daoism and Buddhism.
3.In any given moment, there is a great deal of information made available to each individual. Psychologists have found that one's mind can attend to only a certain amount of information at a time. According to Csikszentmihályi's 2004 TED talk, that number is about " 110 bits of information per second".That may seem like a lot of information, but simple daily tasks take quite a lot of information. Just decoding speech takes about 60 bits of information per second.That is why when having a conversation one cannot focus as much attention on other things.
4.For the most part (except for basic bodily feelings like hunger and pain, which are innate), people are able to decide what they want to focus their attention on. However, when one is in the flow state, they are completely engrossed with the one task at hand and, without making the conscious decision to do so, lose awareness of all other things: time, people, distractions, and even basic bodily needs. According to Csikszentmihályi, this occurs because all of the attention of the person in the flow state is on the task at hand; there is no more attention to be allocated.
5.The flow state has been described by Csikszentmihályi as the "optimal experience" in that one gets to a level of high gratification from the experience. Achieving this experience is considered to be personal and "depends on the ability" of the individual.One's capacity and desire to overcome challenges in order to achieve their ultimate goals not only leads to the optimal experience, but also to a sense of life satisfaction overall.
6.Flow theory postulates three conditions that have to be met to achieve a flow state:
·        One must be involved in an activity with a clear set of goals and progress. This adds direction and structure to the task.
·        The task at hand must have clear and immediate feedback. This helps the person negotiate any changing demands and allows them to adjust their performance to maintain the flow state.
·        One must have a good balance between the perceived challenges of the task at hand and their own perceived skills. One must have confidence in one's ability to complete the task at hand.

7.  EIGHT CHANNEL FLOW MODEL / EXPERIENCE FLUCTUATION MODEL:
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f6/Challenge_vs_skill.svg/300px-Challenge_vs_skill.svg.png

Mental state in terms of challenge level and skill level, according to Csikszentmihalyi's flow model is given above.
In 1987, Massimini, Csíkszentmihályi and Carli published the eight-channel model of flow shown above. Antonella Delle Fave, who worked with Fausto Massimini at the University of Milan, now calls this graph the Experience Fluctuation Model. The Experience Fluctuation Model depicts the channels of experience that result from different levels of perceived challenges and perceived skills. This graph illustrates one further aspect of flow: it is more likely to occur when the activity at hand is a higher-than-average challenge (above the center point) and the individual has above-average skills (to the right of the center point). The center of this graph (where the sectors meet) represents one's average levels of challenge and skill across all activities an individual performs during their daily life. The further from the center an experience is, the greater the intensity of that state of being (whether it is flow or anxiety or boredom or relaxation).
Several problems of this model have been discussed in literature. One is that it does not ensure a perceived balance between challenges and skills which is supposed to be the central precondition of flow experiences. Individuals with a low average level of skills and a high average level of challenges (or the other way round) do not necessarily experience a fit between skills and challenges when both are above their individual average. In addition, one study found that low challenge situations which were surpassed by skill were associated with enjoyment, relaxation, and happiness, which, they claim, is contrary to flow theory.
7A. Schaffer (2013) proposed seven flow conditions:
·        Knowing what to do
·        Knowing how to do it
·        Knowing how well you are doing
·        Knowing where to go (if navigation is involved)
·        High perceived challenges
·        High perceived skills
·        Freedom from distractions


8.Challenges to staying
Some of the challenges to staying in flow include states of apathyboredom, and anxiety. Being in a state of apathy is characterized when challenges are low and one's skill level is low producing a general lack of interest in the task at hand. Boredom is a slightly different state in that it occurs when challenges are low, but one's skill level exceeds those challenges causing one to seek higher challenges. A state of anxiety occurs when challenges are so high that they exceed one's perceived skill level causing one great distress and uneasiness. These states in general differ from being in a state of flow, in that flow occurs when challenges match one's skill level. Consequently, Csíkszentmihályi has said, "If challenges are too low, one gets back to flow by increasing them. If challenges are too great, one can return to the flow state by learning new skills."
9.The autotelic personality
Csíkszentmihályi hypothesized that people with several very specific personality traits may be better able to achieve flow more often than the average person. These personality traits include curiosity, persistence, low self-centeredness, and a high rate of performing activities for intrinsic reasons only. People with most of these personality traits are said to have an autotelic personality. The term “autotelic” is acquired from two Greek words, auto, meaning self, and telos meaning goal. Being Autotelic means having a self-contained activity, one that is done not with the expectation of some future benefit, but simply to experience it as the main goal.
At this point, there is not much research on the autotelic personality, but results of the few studies that have been conducted suggest that indeed some people are more prone to experience flow than others. One researcher (Abuhamdeh, 2000) found that people with an autotelic personality have a greater preference for "high-action-opportunity, high-skills situations that stimulate them and encourage growth" compared to those without an autotelic personality. It is in such high-challenge, high-skills situations that people are most likely to enter the flow state.
Experimental evidence shows that a balance between skills of the individual and demands of the task (compared to boredom and overload) only elicits flow experiences in individuals characterized by an internal locus of control or a habitual action orientation. Several correlational studies found need for achievement to be a personal characteristic that fosters flow experiences.

10.In the workplace
10.1 Conditions of flow, defined as a state in which challenges and skills are equally matched, play an extremely important role in the workplace. Because flow is associated with achievement, its development could have concrete implications in increasing workplace satisfaction and accomplishment. Flow researchers, such as Csikszentmihályi, believe that certain interventions may be performed to enhance and increase flow in the workplace, through which people would gain 'intrinsic rewards that encourage persistence" and provide benefits. In his consultation work, Csikszentmihályi emphasizes finding activities and environments that are conducive to flow, and then identifying and developing personal characteristics to increase experiences of flow. Applying these methods in the workplace, can improve morale by fostering a sense of greater happiness and accomplishment, which may be correlated with increased performance. In his review of Mihály Csikszentmihályi's book "Good Business: Leadership, Flow, and the Making of Meaning," Coert Visser introduces the ideas presented by Csikszentmihályi, including "good work" in which one "enjoys doing your best while at the same time contributing to something beyond yourself." He then provides tools by which managers and employees can create an atmosphere that encourages good work. Some consultants suggest that the experience sampling form (EMS) method be used for individuals and teams in the workplace in order to identify how time is currently being spent, and where focus should be redirected to in order to increase flow experiences.
10.2 In order to achieve flow, Csikszentmihályi lays out the following three conditions:
·        Goals are clear
·        Feedback is immediate
·        A balance exists between opportunity and capacity
Csikszentmihályi argues that with increased experiences of flow, people experience "growth towards complexity". People flourish as their achievements grow and with that comes development of increasing "emotional, cognitive, and social complexity." Creating a workplace atmosphere that allows for flow and growth, Csikszentmihályi argues, can increase the happiness and achievement of employees. An increasingly popular way of promoting greater flow in the workplace is using the "serious play" facilitation methods. Some commercial organisations have used the concept of flow in building corporate branding and identity for example The Floow Limited which created its company brand from the concept.
10.3 Barriers
There are, however, barriers to achieving flow in the workplace. In his chapter "Why Flow Doesn't Happen on the Job," Csikszentmihályi argues the first reason that flow does not occur is that the goals of one's job are not clear. He explains that while some tasks at work may fit into a larger, organization plan, the individual worker may not see where their individual task fits it. Second, limited feedback about one's work can reduce motivation and leaves the employee unaware of whether or not they did a good job. When there is little communication of feedback, an employee may not be assigned tasks that challenge them or seem important, which could potentially prevent an opportunity for flow.
In the study "Predicting flow at work: Investigating the activities and job characteristics that predict flow states at work", Karina Nielsen and Bryan Cleal used a 9-item flow scale to examine predictors of flow at two levels: activity level (such as brainstorming, problem solving, and evaluation) and at a more stable level (such as role clarity, influence, and cognitive demands). They found that activities such as planning, problem solving, and evaluation predicted transient flow states, but that more stable job characteristics were not found to predict flow at work. This study can help us identify which task at work can be cultivated and emphasized in order to help employees experience flow on the job. In her article in Positive Psychology News Daily, Kathryn Britton examines the importance of experiencing flow in the workplace beyond the individual benefits it creates. She writes, "Flow isn't just valuable to individuals; it also contributes to organizational goals. For example, frequent experiences of flow at work lead to higher productivity, innovation, and employee development (Csikszentmihályi, 1991, 2004). So finding ways to increase the frequency of flow experiences can be one way for people to work together to increase the effectiveness of their workplaces."

11.Outcomes
11.1 Positive experiences
Books by Csikszentmihályi suggest that enhancing the time spent in flow makes our lives more happy and successful. Flow experiences are predicted to lead to positive affect as well as to better performance.For example, delinquent behavior was reduced in adolescents after two years of enhancing flow through activities.
People who have experienced flow, describe the following feelings:
1.     Completely involved in what we are doing – focused, concentrated.
2.   A sense of ecstasy – of being outside everyday reality.
3.    Great inner clarity – knowing what needs to be done, and how well we are doing.
4.   Knowing that the activity is doable – that our skills are adequate to the task.
5.   A sense of serenity – no worries about oneself, and a feeling of growing beyond the boundaries of the ego.
6.   Timelessness – thoroughly focused on the present, hours seem to pass by the minute.
7.   Intrinsic motivation – whatever produces flow becomes its own reward.[69]
However, further empirical evidence is required to substantiate these preliminary indications, as flow researchers continue to explore the problem of how to directly investigate causal consequences of flow experiences using modern scientific instrumentation to observe the neuro-physiological correlates of the flow state.
11.2 Positive affect and life satisfaction
Flow is an innately positive experience; it is known to "produce intense feelings of enjoyment".An experience that is so enjoyable should lead to positive affect and happiness in the long run. Also, Csikszentmihályi stated that happiness is derived from personal development and growth – and flow situations permit the experience of personal development.
Several studies found that flow experiences and positive affect go hand in hand,and that challenges and skills above the individual's average foster positive affect.However, the causal processes underlying those relationships remains unclear at present.
11.3 Performance and learning
Flow experiences imply a growth principle. When one is in a flow state, they are working to master the activity at hand. To maintain that flow state, one must seek increasingly greater challenges. Attempting these new, difficult challenges stretches one's skills. One emerges from such a flow experience with a bit of personal growth and great "feelings of competence and efficacy".By increasing time spent in flow, intrinsic motivation and self-directed learning also increases.
Flow has a documented correlation with high performance in the fields of artistic and scientific creativity,teaching,learning, and sports
Flow has been linked to persistence and achievement in activities while also helping to lower anxiety during various activities and raise self-esteem
However, evidence regarding better performance in flow situations is mixed.[70] For sure, the association between the two is a reciprocal one. That is, flow experiences may foster better performance but, on the other hand, good performance makes flow experiences more likely. Results of a longitudinal study in the academic context indicate that the causal effect of flow on performance is only of small magnitude and the strong relationship between the two is driven by an effect of performance on flow.In the long run, flow experiences in a specific activity may lead to higher performance in that activity as flow is positively correlated with a higher subsequent motivation to perform and to perform well.


12.Criticism

Csikszentmihályi writes about the dangers of flow himself:
...enjoyable activities that produce flow have a potentially negative effect: while they are capable of improving the quality of existence by creating order in the mind, they can become addictive, at which point the self becomes captive of a certain kind of order, and is then unwilling to cope with the ambiguities of life.
Further, he writes:
The flow experience, like everything else, is not "good" in an absolute sense. It is good only in that it has the potential to make life more rich, intense, and meaningful; it is good because it increases the strengths and complexity of the self. But whether the consequence of any particular instance of flow is good in a larger sense needs to be discussed and evaluated in terms of more inclusive social criteria


C.Self-determination theory
SDT is a macro theory of human motivation and personality that concerns people's inherent growth tendencies and innate psychological needs. It is concerned with the motivation behind choices people make without external influence and interference. SDT focuses on the degree to which an individual's behavior is self-motivated and self-determined.
2.In the 1970s, research on SDT evolved from studies comparing the intrinsic and extrinsic motives, and from growing understanding of the dominant role intrinsic motivation played in an individual's behaviour but it was not until the mid-1980s that SDT was formally introduced and accepted as a sound empirical theory. Research applying SDT to different areas in social psychology has increased considerably since the 2000s.
3.Key studies that led to emergence of SDT included research on intrinsic motivation.Intrinsic motivation refers to initiating an activity for its own sake because it is interesting and satisfying in itself, as opposed to doing an activity to obtain an external goal (extrinsic motivation). Different types of motivations have been described based on the degree they have been internalized. Internalization refers to the active attempt to transform an extrinsic motive into personally endorsed values and thus assimilate behavioural regulations that were originally external.
Edward L. Deci and Richard Ryan later expanded on the early work differentiating between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation and proposed three main intrinsic needs involved in self-determination. According to Deci and Ryan, the three psychological needs motivate the self to initiate behavior and specify nutriments that are essential for psychological health and well-being of an individual. These needs are said to be universal, innate and psychological and include the need for competenceautonomy, and relatedness.

4.SDT is centered on the belief that human nature shows persistent positive features, with people repeatedly showing effort, agency and commitment in their lives that the theory calls "inherent growth tendencies". People also have innate psychological needs that are the basis for self-motivation and personality integration.
SelfDeterminationTheory.png

5.SDT identifies three innate needs that, if satisfied, allow optimal function and growth:
1.     Competence
2.    Relatedness
3.    Autonomy
These needs are seen as universal necessities that are innate, not learned (instinctive), and seen in humanity across time, gender and culture.
6.Deci and Ryan claim that there are three essential elements of the theory:
1.     Humans are inherently proactive with their potential and mastering their inner forces (such as drives and emotions)
2.    Humans have an inherent tendency toward growth development and integrated functioning
3.    Optimal development and actions are inherent in humans but they don't happen automatically
To actualise their inherent potential they need nurturing from the social environment.
If this happens there are positive consequences (e.g. well being and growth) but if not, there are negative consequences. So SDT emphasises humans' natural growth toward positive motivation; however, this is thwarted if their basic needs are not fulfilled.
Needs
SDT supports three basic psychological needs that must be satisfied to foster well-being and health. These needs can be universally applied. However, some may be more salient than others at certain times and are expressed differently based on time, culture, or experience.
Competence
Seek to control the outcome and experience mastery.
Relatedness 
Will to interact with, be connected to, and experience caring for others.

Autonomy
Desire to be causal agents of one's own life and act in harmony with one's integrated self; however, Deci and Vansteenkiste note this does not mean to be independent of others.



IV.Modernization and freedom of choice
Ronald Inglehart has traced cross-national differences in the level of happiness based on data from the World Values Survey He finds that the extent to which a society allows free choice has a major impact on happiness. When basic needs are satisfied, the degree of happiness depends on economic and cultural factors that enable free choice in how people live their lives. Happiness also depends on religion in countries where free choice is constrained.


ACK:WIKIPAEDIA AND THE VARIOUS AUTHORS.


Sunday, 10 May 2020

‘SISU’:FINNISH ART OF LIFE


TH
        
One of the first things any article about sisu will tell you is that this Finnish word is untranslatable. The opening paragraph of a full-spread piece in the New York Times January of 1940, headline read, “Sisu: A word that explains Finland.”

It comes into play when you tackle challenges such as fighting a war in the cold of winter, which is exactly what Finland was doing when the Times published its article, but it can also help you confront more common obstacles. The word originates from ‘sisus’, which literally means ‘guts’ or ‘the intestines’ in Finnish.

So how do you write about a country when its description rests upon an untranslatable word? It’s amazingly complicated, and yet also deceptively simple: Writers resort to explaining what sisu means, and in the process they reveal the inner workings of the people and society of Finland – what you might even call the soul of the country.  Joanna Nylund takes on the subject in her book Sisu: The Finnish Art of Courage (2018, UK: Gaia; USA: Running Press).
The book includes, at regular intervals, tips for how to incorporate a sisu-like attitude into your own life:
“Top tips to help you recharge:
1. Truly disconnect,
 2. Embrace the silence,
 3. Schedule alone time.”
Or how about: “Top tips for getting back to nature:
1.    Think low-key
2.    Think know-how,
3.     Think preparation.”
In Sisu: The Finnish Art of Courage, Nylund includes interviews with Finns who personify the idea, such as Arctic and Antarctic explorer Patrick Degerman and social activist and sisu researcher Emilia Lahti. Nor does the author forget to mention other examples of sisu, among them Nobel Peace Prize laureate Martti Ahtisaari, known for his work in resolving international conflicts, and long-distance runner Paavo Nurmi, who set records and won Olympic medals in the 1920s.
Etymologically, “sisu” comes from a Finnish root word that implies “inner” or “inside.” This is one reason it is sometimes translated as “guts” or “inner strength.” It is silent relentlessness. It is a way of living life by displaying perseverance even when you have reached the end of your mental and physical capacities. Sisu is not momentary courage, but the ability to sustain that courage.
Action-oriented mindset
Nylund’s introduction informs us that, linguistically speaking, the concept of sisu goes back 500 years or more. It  refers to stoic determination, hardiness, courage, willpower, tenacity,perseverance and resilience and beyond,a second wind of mental toughness.” It’s “an action-oriented mindset.” You don’t brag about having sisu; you just “let your actions do the talking.”
Emilia Lahti, a PhD candidate at Aalto University in Helsinki and former student of Angela Duckworth at University of Pennsylvania, studies the concept of Sisu and how it applies to our lives. According to Lahti, “Sisu is the concept of taking action in the face of significant adversity or challenge. It is not so much about achievement as it is about facing your challenges with valor and determination.” She goes on to say, “Sisu provides the final empowering push, when we would otherwise hesitate to act.”
Joshua Waitzkin, a martial arts competitor and champion chess player, says, “At a high level of competition, success often hinges on who determines the field and tone of battle.” It is your mental toughness—your Sisu—that determines the tone of battle.
James Clear ,the author(jamesclear.com)writes that:
‘’Most people let their battles define them. They see failure as an indication of who they are. Mentally tough people let their perseverance define them. They see failure as an event. Failure is something that happens to a person, not who a person is. ‘’
James Clear further writes that ‘’We will all face moments when our physical and mental resources feel tapped out. There will always be times when we are hammered with failure after failure and are called to find a fire within. And perhaps even more frequently, there will be many moments when we want to achieve something, but it feels as if we face incredibly long odds. In those moments, you have to call on your Sisu.
·        When you start a business even though you have nobody to look to for guidance. Sisu.
·        When you are two miles from finishing your race, and it feels as if you can't make it another step. Sisu.
·        When you are running on fumes and bleary-eyed from caring for your young children, but still need to find the strength to nail your presentation at work. Sisu.
·        When you step under the bar and prepare to squat a weight that you have never tried before. Sisu.
·        When you're in the middle of a season slump that never seems to end. Sisu.
·        When you feel as if you have tried everything you can to achieve your goal, and you still haven't made it. Sisu.’’

If you’d like to emulate the Finnish love of nature, study the famous Finnish education system, admire the Finnish ability to make the most of extreme weather conditions (and have fun while you’re at it), or find Finnish inspiration for dealing with a large or small life crisis – or if you’re just Finn-curious – sisu plays a role.
It contributes to physical and mental wellbeing and helps you communicate with your partner, family members and colleagues. You can raise your kids to have sisu. You can use it as the basis for leading an active, healthy life, you can leverage it to progress toward your goals, and it might even help you find happiness.
The World Happiness Report is an annual publication of the United Nations Sustainable Development Solutions Network. In July 2011, the UN General Assembly adopted resolution 65/309 Happiness: Towards a Holistic Definition of Development inviting member countries to measure the happiness of their people and to use the data to help guide public policy.
As of March 2020, Finland was ranked the happiest country in the world three times in a row.
I wondered why?
Now I know.


Saturday, 9 May 2020

#LIFE HAPPENS




               
Many a time we say ‘Oh if only I knew it before……’.It is probably the most common lamented hindsight ever.These often turn into  lifetime regrets.
All of us can draw a list of such things-from newspaper and magazine articles,TV shows,own personal experiences etc.Some would be specific to your life situation.But many would be general in nature.Here is one such incomplete list culled from lots of personal experiences and also from wise written words I came across which are gratefully acknowledged.
1.Dignity and self respect are non negotiable.
2.I have to stand up and speak for myself.
3.The world owes me nothing.It was here first.
4.To have meaning in life I must have a purpose in life.
5.Self discipline need not be self enslavement.
6.Have perspective.And vision.
7.Love is important.But not indispensable.
7A.Choosing between love and friendship is easy.Friendship wins.
7B.Your life story is not covered under Official Secrets Act.If you TRUST and RESPECT someone…share what is bothering you.He will UNDERSTAND.A good shoulder is not such a bad thing.Cry on it.
7C. Open yourself to hurt.love and hurt take the same entry door.There is no other way to love.
7D. ‘One great love’ is for books.Love can happen-twice .
7E. Age doesn’t matter-unless you are cheese.But age difference often comes with perception variations.
7F.Be sure you are in love for the right reasons .
8.One genuine friend and one genuine mentor…you will be on your way.
9.Tommorow comes with no baggage.Baggage makes for bad mornings.
10.EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
11.Every argument need not be won.Mules are not to be argued with.
12.Try not to reply when you are angry.
13.Never promise when you are happy.Gestures are a burden in the long run.
14.Changing your mind is not a punishable offence.It indicates maturity.Unless done every hour!
15.Get rid of two biggest digital vices-FOMO(fear of missing out)and FOBO(fear of better option).
16.You can survive and quite well even if you don’t check facebook and whatsapp 20 times an hour.
17.Distraction is worse than depression.Creates anxiety and ultimately an average outcome of task at hand.
18.If you can’t solve it,sleep over it.
19.Gut instinct-respect it.
20.Inertia kills initiative.
21.Question your methods.And your life premises.Specially if you are unhappy.
21A.Self deception is not a good medicine.Likewise for bitterness and regret.
22.Wisdom like wine is best when aged.Hear voices of experience.
22A. Listening is not a crime! Ask.Understand.Adopt.Act.
23.If you choose to forgive make sure its known as YOUR CHOICE to the forgiven. Let your kindness not be treated as a weakness.
24.Make a difference,create a smile.Lots of people need help.
25.Try to make your passion your source of livelihood.If not,try to find passion in work.It will be start of a lifelong romance.
25A. Persistence and Perseverance …they are vehicles of passion.
26.’Me time’ is indispensable.Listen to some music…or just the sounds of silence.Staring at night sky,stars and all ,works best.And its free!
26A. Travel.See the world.It often gives life changing prescriptions.
27.Others are too busy to think about you.People won’t say anything.They don’t have time for it.
28.People get treated the way they treat themselves.
29.Love at least once.It makes you very nice.When its over don’t regret because its over.Smile because it happened.
30.Everything except values and principles has a shelf life.Character and integrity dignify you.They are the defining attributes.
31.Never have a joint bank account.Share money.Not the account number.
32.Make enough money to indulge yourself without enduring guilt.
33.Look in the mirror –do you like what you see?Change yourself if you don’t .Sometimes,change the mirror!!
34.Health is not the first wealth.Its the only one.

Stopping here.Not because the list has run out.It never will.Life happens-everyday.

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Sunday, 3 May 2020

WHY THIS KOLAVERI DI? ANATOMY OF A DYSFUNCTION




1.The overtly dramatic title is just to have your attention.Now that I have it,let me try and justify it.A virtually universal phenomena sweeps us in our working and private lives today.That of a ‘’perceived unreasonable and disproportionate behaviour’’/reaction from the significant others in our lives.Colleagues,supervisors,friends,spouse,children……et al.We are by and large unhappy people,dissatisfied with lives and things.Happiness index places Indians at a unmentionably lower place.Even Pakistan is ahead of us!(India at 140,Pakistan at 67.Finland at 1st:  2019 World Happiness Index).Interactional conflicts are a major issue in this-from the street corner grocer to the inhuman boss ,all are ill mannered and unreasonable.And so am I.’’sorry,I didn’t mean it’’must be the most (ab)used sentence in English language.So would’’Please don’t mind’’.We mean all of it..and internally we care two hoots if the bugger minded.But we say it anyway….diplomatic ties may not be broken and all that.
2.As I sat analysing this phenomena I find that most of us are saddled with the following unadmitted traits:
TOP OF THE BOARD:1. (Suppressed) rage and anger
2.Dejection and disappointment
3.Depression and withdrawal
4.Helplessness and hopelessness
5.Hurt and denial
Tick your boxes.
3.And we go on with assumed overt pseudo cheerfulness,living in denial(this one we have mastered,esp the women-sorry ladies!),glossing over , hiding, and nurturing, our hurts and lying to ourselves.NO wonder we love sad songs so much!And quotes like ‘’our sweetest songs are those that tell us of our saddest thoughts’’.
Who has not had a secret tear in his/her eye listening to Roberta Flack singing’’KILLING ME SOFTLY WITH HIS SONG’’?(Olivia Ong version though is  my favorite).Angst sells like nothing else in this world.We buy it -all the time.Afterall,its free .
 4.But life is a statement of affirmation.It is a statement of hope.It is a statement of creation.SO when you are in such a state and use the two most anti life instruments of behaviour in tackling the world:HYPOCRICY and MANIPULATION-life takes its toll.Nature is the special purpose vehicle of life.The keyboard of life has no ‘’esc’’ button nor can’’ctrl+alt+del’’lead you to a task manager to’’end task’’.LIFE grows-its an organic affirmation of creation.
5.So whenever we take a false step,life gives us a reality check and gives us ,lets say 10 grams of depression or maybe 5 oz.of self directed anger.This accumulates.Hypocricy is nothing but a pseudo reaction high on its perceived acceptability  triggered by fear of consequences of speaking the truth or wish to elicit a wanted emotion.Manipulation is on same continuum…triggering a desired reaction by creating a situational /verbal set up where the manipulated is compelled to react in manner X.
BUT-Life takes its toll again.
Have you ever wondered that we are rarely punished FOR our anger?We are punished BY our anger.The emotion is the punishment.Its life speaking again.
6.If ,for a day we decide to rewind a typical life day in our lives we will see that the number of times WE SUPPRESS OUR REACTIONS-at times ,so called life’’coaches’’tell us,its necessary-but do we sublimate it?-hell,no.We keep it inside us.The boss situation is all too common-you hear him firing you from late coming to office,to failures to meet deadlines,targets etc etc etc.Most of us,inspite of self help manuals and oh so wise life coaches,counsellors and shrinks ,cannot cope with it in the sense of harmonized acceptability….harmonized with your thought and emotion…it builds up rage…and anger…but because we cannot take it out to the real recipient we …suppress it….but then this is not nature’s way….so it comes out again….in form of a disproportionate reaction to a totally unconnected situation/interaction before a bewildered colleague,a hapless subordinate,an astonished spouse,……Personal life provides further examples.A taunt on your salary,deficiencies in social interaction,inability to be a good parent…..
7.I am not entering into the other realms outlined,like depression etc because those are internalized reactions to a situation deemed to cause irrepairable hurt or unmendable emotional damage….if you have understood the rage part the rest of the analysis is easy.
8.What then is the conclusion?We love conclusions.We want closure all the time.its ok in a way.Any truth is better than indefinite doubt.Should we wear our hearts on our sleeves?Blast the boss back?etc.Or cry on the first available shoulder?Nothing of the sort.The whole purpose of this essay is to ask all of you TO UNDERSTAND.To understand that suppressed rage is a common outcome of all pressure interactions…and of some personal ones too.Understand your own reaction.Empathise with the reaction coming to you  or,if you are too angry to do that,become aware of where the reaction’s disproportinateness could be coming from.We are all mostly hurt.We are anxious.We are angry.
9.The first step to eliminate all this negativity is to understand that you have all this.Then,even if you are not able to eliminate all this,at least you will have taken a huge step towards that.It is said that to understand is to pardon.Let us forgive-not others-let us first forgive ourselves.Then would come the emotional and cognitive rebuilding part.That is mostly person specific.But I would be happy to share my thoughts on it-derived from life,unburdened by tomes of psychology and so called cognitive therapies ,motivation theories,self help books and the like…mind you they are useful.I would recommend just one:GAMES PEOPLE PLAY by ERIC BERNE.
10. But ,given a fair bit of education,intelligence ,experience and a bit of horse sense…no better place to learn than from a university called life.


Saturday, 2 May 2020

Perspective


I hear a lot of why me's and complaints about this global pandemic sweeping the world.
Imagine if you were born in the year 1900. On your 14th birthday, World War I starts, and ends on your 18th birthday. 22 million people perish in that war. Later in the year, a Spanish Flu epidemic hits the planet and runs until your 20th birthday. 50 million people die from it in those two years. On your 29th birthday, the Great Depression begins. Unemployment hits 25%, the World GDP drops 27%. That runs until you are 33. The country nearly collapses along with the world economy. When you turn 39, World War II starts. On your 41st birthday, the United States is fully pulled into WWII. Between your 39th and 45th birthday, 75 million people perish in the war. At 50, the Korean War starts. 5 million perish. At 55 the Vietnam War begins and doesn’t end for 20 years. 4 million people perish in that conflict. On your 62nd birthday you have the Cuban Missile Crisis, a tipping point in the Cold War. When you turn 75, the Vietnam War finally ends.There are many who survived through everything listed above.
And what happened in between?
Donald Bradman happened to cricket .India became independent.They win 8 gold medals consecutively in Olympic hockey,one in Berlin before Adolf Hitler.Talking movies are born.So is television.Airplanes happen.So does Charlie Chaplin.Medical inventions change life forever.Beatles rock the planet.Man goes to moon.And on and on and on.Life rocked and thrived inspite of tragedies.
Life is what happens in between your plans.And perspective is what it teaches us.
Tragedies are in the gene code of the world.
Have perspective.


:Modified from Anonymous


Friday, 10 April 2020

OF COACHES AND TRAINERS


I notice with a great deal of alarm and amusement two terms hugely in vogue today-coach and trainer...Life coach, motivation trainer etc...and the scary “workshops” they first attend and then hurl them on a unsuspecting target ,index finger pointed with “thou shalt not...”admonishments.
Why, there are even set ups AWARDING certificates to that effect!First the validity of such certifications and their qualifications in making such AWARDS is a huge issue.SELF CERTIFICATION is again an eyebrow raiser.
I speak on life issues too ..Been doing it for past 20 to 25 years...and whenever I feel extra smart ,life provides me with a perfect ‘’foot on the banana skin moment’’...humbled I proceed.
So, I'd rather describe myself as a SPEAKER or a Counsellor -at -large.Its not merely semantics mind you.It has to do with the attitude which is inculcated.I’d rather that it was motivational speaker or a life educator.What is the difference? Remember 3 idiots?.The film.Where the character played by Aamir Khan tells the Principal how to teach-the 30 second race to define PRERAJUALISATION and FARHANITRATE?What is said there?:चाबुक के डर से तो शेर भी उछल कर स्टूल पर बैठना सीख जाता है.पर उसे well trained कहते हैं,well educated नही.My concern is that what is being taught by these undoubtedly well intentioned “trainers “and “coaches” is a set of defense and coping mechanisms.A set of reactions to a set of situations.BUT HOWSOEVER COMPREHENSIVE AND MULTIFARIOUS these “LIFE FORMULAE” are ,they shall be all adviced to remember that life is not a set of quadratic equations nor is it a ladder going straight up.
Life is a organic statement of universe. LIFE GROWS-LIKE A TREE.The way it will grow,the circumstances and weather it will encounter,no botanist dare predict that.Nor should he be able to.The beauty of life, in part, lies in the undefined and unpredictable, unfathomables it shall encounter en route.Hence each one of us is UNIQUE AND SPECIAL in his or her own way.That is what makes life liveable.Tell me the life grammar which can define love?Tell me the infallible coping mechanisms for loneliness?Tell me why is it that ‘falling in love' is more a matter of geography than chemistry? I can add a million Q’s.And 20 “life coaches” will give me 21 answers.
HOW WOULD I ANSWER?Well please note a wicked smile on my face.I can...But some other place ,some other time.
So what is the epilogue for all this gyan that I am giving?
In my innumerable sessions with trainee(ha ha ha) officers I keep on saying that even if TRAINING is to be imparted....As contrasted to EDUCATING -it should almost fully be DESCRIPTIVE instead of PRESCRIPTIVE.My favorite concept of educating arises from title of a book written by Stephen Hawking years and years ago about the origin of universe;’’THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING''.
This then is the task for the educators (and trainers and coaches!):teach them  the theory of things...Empirical as well as a priori...Draw on actual incidents from life.AND in the end tell them:I can’t live your life nor your dreams.GO AND DISCOVER YOUR OWN TRUTH.THE TOOLS I HAVE PROVIDED TOO ARE NOT EXHAUSTIVE.BUT THEY WILL GIVE YOU AN INITIAL ANCHOR,a basic reference point.Add to them,subtract from them.LEARN AND NEVER STOP LEARNING.
BECAUSE IN LIFE,JOURNEY IS THE DESTINATION.